don't worry be happy:
I feel like shit. I've been feeling this shit for like two years straight. No silver lining whatsoever. I just want to close my eyes. And forgive everything I've wrong-done or wrongly haven't-dones. Have I given up all my aspirations and all the positivity I might or might have not brought to myself? Honestly, I haven't a fucking clue.
I stopped listening to music. I stopped feeling my feeling, I stopped dreaming. I stopped. Full stop. Just... fucking stop.
Now I sweat for my failures. I panic for things to come. I shrug at things I might not be able to achieve. I hide from old loves. I bail myself from new love. I no longer possess the charm. I no longer trick myself to look like charming. I, I, fucking 'I's. I don't want to talk about myself. I don't want to think about me. I want to get out of this endless, self-torturing samsara.
Why, oh my. I no longer have 'my's. Everything's out of my grasp. I cant even catch a breadth(or is it breath?). I even forgot how to spell some words. I feel sorry for myself that I'm always angry at myself. Matter of fact, I can't even be angry. I have no energy left to break myself.
Everything's so fucking flat. No, not like some quiet water. I feel like one of those thrown bodies cast under asphalt. I can't be moved, I don't fucking move. I can't even keep staring at this dumb fucking flat screen. Jeez, am I flat-lining? At least those get some dramatic beep sound, I am not even getting doctor's sentence. They'll never know when I died inside. It's so fucking clueless. I want to gut it out and dissect them like a chopper. But I can't. All I see is a flat screen.
I'm cast by this cubic concrete walls. I don't even have a view. I am tired at smoking. I guess even that vicious nicotine can't beat my lethargy. Yeah Ciggy, sorry I'm not in the mood to puff. Maybe some other time. Yeah I'm pouring my black blood to smear into some yellow pages to feel better about myself.
Maybe.. Maybe.. if I stick a little longer something's gonna be better? Sorry to let you face your 26th birthday like this. I should have done something, right? I know you lost a lot of passion through these years. And yeah, I know things were tough. But what if.. what if.. you know? What if things do turn...?
Yeah you are scoffing. You are laughing at the possibility. Just because, what you had two fucking bad years? Yeah you are young and that's your excuse to be silly. But please do not be skeptical about the future. Please. I beg you. Because.. Because.. even though you think you are a living shit, I still love you. Even your dumb-fucking pessimistic thoughts. Even your no-more pretentious depression. Sorry to break the news mate, it's not a fashion anymore. You lost control long long time ago. Even then, you fought until this day. That's something to note eh?
I love you that you are crying out to.. to pick whatever willpower or living organisms left in you. I just don't understand why you would cut out all your fucking limbs and try to reach it out and sew them back again. But you are doing it anyway, so.. good luck chap. It's fucking sad and beautiful even after the last of fucking last hope, you try to reach out to find some. What a dumb fuck you are. But I'm rooting for you. Because I'm literally rooted inside you. Yeah you, you are me, you are young, you will do everything wrong and still try to fix it. Good luck chap. You will need some. Hope they will find you as much as you will find them. Maybe tomorrow, things will be better, right?
Love, to my 26th.
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